Young Writers Society

grand poem, you have really written it with much feeling. i love the mood of the poem and you should add some punctuations. i likes the short simpla and straightforwadness of each line.

I -LOVE- Cliche'. I say dont worry about it.

However, I was lovin the flow up until "but actually,".

I think But. Would be more powerful at that point in the piece. You bring a complete stop to the flow, and hit em with the next line.

That'd be sweet.

I agree with what other people have said here. It's good, there's really nothing for me to pick out other than the line where you say something about crying out and nobody hearing. It's a little cliche, but it sounds fine. It's up to you to change it or not.

Nice job.

i liked the use of enjambement (the lines overlapping onto the next sentence) I also liked the lack of punctuation... made it flow better keep up the good work x

I liked this alot...sorry im not to good at this yet and i dont have much knowlage about grammer and stuff. But as far as i know they have said everything i saw....

Great poem. I love it. But "dieing" is spelled 'dying'.

I like this. Very real, though some parts a little cliche', but still (touching on/ somewhat) raw and very real. I can feel it.

I'm not sure if it's what you were going for but I like the lack of punctuation as the poem continues. The lengthy sentence at the end that's broken up seems (to me) to reflect the mental state. That could be just me linking back to a John Clare poem we read in Eng.Lit. but nevertheless it's interesting.